I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he shaved USA in his pubs
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
