I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
