I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
