i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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