Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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