I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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