I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it's like heaven, but drunker
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
