As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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