I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
