Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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