you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
