Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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