Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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