so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
