The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
