She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize