I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
