What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
