My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
