Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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