There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
