Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
