the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
