My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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