Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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