I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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