Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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