DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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