The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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