now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
