They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
