At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
