I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Found the puke drawer
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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