Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
