i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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