Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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