Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
