Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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