someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
