the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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