Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
