The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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