My room smells like vodka and shame
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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