just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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