so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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