Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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