sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
