I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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