U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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