im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
