2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
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