my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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