I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
