My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
