I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
