a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
