i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
