one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's get the cat blown out
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
