i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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