Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
