he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
