i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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